How do really posh dogs send messages?

By predigree-mail.

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What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off ?

Ban-she ban-she !

How does Dalai Lama send emails?

With no attachments.

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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."