What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed?

Hi sugar

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Why do you say that?

Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake and gets me up when I'm sleepy!

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

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Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

How can you tell that the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling out of sides of his mouth.