What's a Russian's favorite service provider?

Sprint.

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What does the Russian President enjoy having on his fries?

Putine...

Why wasn't Vladimir late?

He was Russian.

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What runs, but never sprints?

Inherited obesity

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.