What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

You slow down and use lube ( )

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How much is a $1,000,000 Bill worth?

Nothing! You can't use it anywhere!

How is she?

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

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What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine?

After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.