What gym equipment does Jesus use?

A cross trainer.

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How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray... (Ill see myself out)

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

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Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?

HOLY MACKAREL!