What do ghosts use to predict the future?

Horror-scopes!

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What internet provider does Satan use in hell?

Comcast

Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween?

They're used to people 'goblin' them!

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What do ghosts serve for dessert?

I Scream.

How can you tell if a ghost is about to faint?

He gets pale as a sheet.

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How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.

What kind of pizzas can tell the future?

Medium Pizzas

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What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future?

A four-chin teller.

What do ghosts use to predict the future?

Horror-scopes!