Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

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How will I ever find the right woman?

She replied "Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man."

What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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Whats the square (root) of a (onion)???

Shallots

Where do onions fight?

In the onion ring!