What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?

Carpaltunnel

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Who's your Daddy?

In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy " instead of "Who's your daddy " and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant

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What term is used to describe a phenomenon where a European mans ejaculates prematurely?

Pole Position

How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?

Doesn't follow instructions very well.