What do you tell a smelly Japanese person?

Takashawa.

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How can you tell what clan a Scottish man is from?

Look under his kilt and if he has a quarter pounder then he is a McDonald.

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?

Nothing, she's already been told twice.

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What's Beethoven's favorite favorite Japanese weapon?

Ka-ta-na-na!

What does a Japanese man do when there's an erection?

He votes!