Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

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What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

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Why aren't cremations given out for free?

Because you have to urn them.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.