Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

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What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins! (Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

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What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?

About 3 pounds, including the urn.

What is the proper weight for a lawyer?

About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!