Why is Helium so trustworthy?

Because HE's noble.

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Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'BARIUM'!

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.