How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

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Why do fluorescent lights hum?

Because they don't know the words.

Where is everybody?

Everybody I don't know. All over the planet I guess.

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What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage. sorry.

How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??

Slow down and grab some lube!!