Ma'am, that's a bag of Doritos.
Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....
They Tarot.
Cool Ranch!
OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- "-of my sons mouth."
The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."