What did Jesus say when he made his return?

Hey guys! What's goin on Tweet my return! #JesusReturns"

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What gym equipment does Jesus use?

A cross trainer.

What did Jesus do to lose weight?

Crossfit

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What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed?

Thanks for the handy cap.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?

A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

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Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?

Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets