What did Jesus say when he made his return?

Hey guys! What's goin on Tweet my return! #JesusReturns"

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How did Jesus stay in such good shape?

Cross fit.

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

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When do Arabs return their library books?

the day they're Dubai.

Why did the cow return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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What do you think of my tweets?

Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny