What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community?

Respectacle

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Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal?

He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.

Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?

Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)

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What do you call the new policing strategy of communities such as Ferguson, Missouri?

A shot in the dark.

What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community?

Respectacle