What do you call playing chess against yourself?

Chessturbation.

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Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?

It was in A-minor

Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???

Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.

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Why is America bad at the game Chess?

Because they don't know how to defend their towers.

Why does the Pope always win at chess?

He has so many Bishops!