What do you call playing chess against yourself?

Chessturbation.

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Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???

Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.

Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus?

Because he has holes in his hands

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Why do North Americans hate playing chess?

Cause they lack the towers.

Why do Australians take forever to play chess?

Because they never make it past the first check, mate.