What does a 500 pound parakeet say?

TWEET!!!

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What do you get when you kiss a canary?

Chirpes. It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.

What do you think of my tweets?

Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

What does a 500 pound parakeet say?

TWEET!!!