What does a 500 pound parakeet say?

TWEET!!!

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What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

What does a 500 pound parakeet say?

TWEET!!!