What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

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How does a cougar obtain the perfect tan?

She uses a perfect son.

When is it okay for monks to use e-mail?

When there are no attachments

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What is 18 inches long, pink, squishy, and makes women cry?

SIDS

What's 18 inches long, and makes a woman scream the entire night?

Her dead baby.

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What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.