Why is Jesus so rich?

Because Jesus saves.

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How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

What did the barfly say to the other barfly?

I saved you a stool.

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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

He's always nailed to the boards....

Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.