How can you tell someone is an engineer?

They'll tell you! (Source: am an engineer)

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What did a bad teacher tell their wisecracking student?

Don't get smart with me.

Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

Well, alright." "Girl, I feel with my nerves."

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Why do engineering majors refer to themselves "engineers"?

You don't see literature majors calling themselves Starbucks baristas

Why did the engineer drive the backwards?

He had a loco motive.

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What is the difference between leaves and a car?

One you brush and rake, the other you rush and brake.

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)