How do you get a Harvard Graduate off your porch?

You pay him for the pizza.

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How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate?

He already told you so.

What kind of batteries does a Harvard undergrad use?

AAA

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How do you get a Harvard graduate off your doorstep?

Tip him for the pizza.

How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. He holds up the light bulb, and the world revolves around him