How do you make two Oboists play in tune with one another?

Shoot one of them.

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What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

Why arent the americans playing chess?

they are missing two towers.

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What's the difference between a white guy and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't shoot up a school.

What do you call a child who shoots with twigs at a PTSD victim?

TWIGERING

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How do you tune a fish?

With its scales!

What's the difference... ...between a piano, a fish, and glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish "What about the glue " I knew you'd get stuck on that.