How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

One testtickle

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What did the mods say when they found me giving Reddit gold to my alt account?

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?

Ubisoft

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What happened to the cow when she tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

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What do the Patriots and Lance Armstrong have in common?

They only have one good ball.

What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from?

LIESTRONG bracelets.