If I had to guess the religion of Daniel Day Lewis...

I would probably say Methodist.

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Where does Lance Armstrong go to continue his education?

http://cms.bsu.edu/

What does an unfunny person tell a salad?

Teach me senpai!

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Why did god invent whiskey?

x-post /r/drunkjokes) So the Irish would never rule the world

What do you call a lawmaker in a society ruled by horses that says one thing but does the opposite?

A hippocratic hypocrite.