What did Mr. Burns bring to the pot luck?

Eggsalad

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How did the hipster burn his hand?

He was into lightbulbs before they were cool.

What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

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What kind of bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty