What do you think of my tweets?

Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

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Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

Why don't you buy your wife a watch?

There's already a clock on the stove

What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the backyard?

Shoot her again.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What are you thinking?

Because now I know and I am horrified.

Why do people in wheelchairs wear shoes?

Do they think they're gonna magically start walking

Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

Now, I tweet them

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.