What does a philosopher put his/her food on?

A contemplate

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What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?

The Philosophers Stoned

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW

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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic and an insomniac?

A person who stays up all night contemplating the existence of dog.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to handle the bulb and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.