Philosopher Jokes

What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned?

A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker.

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What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

What do you call a philosopher that kind of wants to play soccer?

Socrates

What does a philosopher put his/her food on?

A contemplate

What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?

At the Schopenhauer.

Why couldn't the philosopher make a living?

He made no sense. I tried, I really did.

How do philosophers shave off their beards?

Occam's razor

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on the definition of lightbulb.

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How many philosophers does it take to... ...change a light bulb?

Define "light bulb".

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

What did the philosopher say to his coworker?

Cleanup on the detergent aisle"

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips

What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?

The Philosophers Stoned

How do you get a philosopher off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth?

Because they philos all the time!

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How are men like television commercials?

A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.

What do you say to a man with no legs?

Nothing, he'll shoot you.

Cure Jokes More Cure Jokes

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?

He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

What did the blind man say when he sipped a frozen drink and was cured?

Icee."

Professor Jokes More Professor Jokes

What happens when you offend a professor of various human aspects?

You owe them an anthrapology

When did you first miss it dear?

Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

What water does Snake drink?

Big Voss.

What do mexicans drink in the morning?

Dos Eggys

Contemplate Jokes More Contemplate Jokes

What does a philosopher put his/her food on?

A contemplate

What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

Kant Jokes More Kant Jokes

Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

Socrate Jokes More Socrate Jokes

What do you call a philosopher that kind of wants to play soccer?

Socrates

What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common?

Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)

Night Jokes More Night Jokes

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW

Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals