What do you call a philosopher that kind of wants to play soccer?

Socrates

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How badly?

ME: I want you checking thesaurus in a panic haphazardly

What do bees do if they don't want to drive?

A: Wait at the buzz stop.

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What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

What do Mexicans play at their funerals?

Another Juan Bites The Dust

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Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

What did the philosopher say to his coworker?

Cleanup on the detergent aisle"

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How is the American public now like Socrates?

By November, they will have both picked their poison.

What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common?

Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)

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Why can't unicorns play soccer?

Because they don't exist

What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup (Soccer)?

Turn off the Playstation.