Why couldn't the philosopher make a living?

He made no sense. I tried, I really did.

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Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

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Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why would I want to quit smoking?

Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

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Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

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Why was the UKIP voter angry?

Because he didn't like the look of the Poles (for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)

What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor?

Feminists.