What's black and is on top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a housefire.

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What's the quietest album in the world?

Stephen Hawking - unplugged

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

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What will ESPN talk about if both the Hawks and Rockets make it to the NBA final?

The NHL playoffs

What's black and found at the top of a stair case?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.