What were you doing?

flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."

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When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?

Because I couldn't find a fake car."

Why did the seal make a Tinder account?

To find a Significant Otter.

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Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

Because you already know she'll work out.

What's red, white, and full of holes?

Helen Keller's face after she tries to use a fork.

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How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

How'd the date go?

Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.