What were you doing?

flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."

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How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

One testtickle

Why didn't the blond call 911?

She couldn't find the 11 on the dial pad.

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How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

Where's the dog?

flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.