Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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How do you electrocute a blonde?

A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

Who should get the cat?

I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"

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What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. (As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.)

Why don't people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?

The punchline is too long.

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Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!