Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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How many 2nd trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They can't get that high! (My band teacher told me that one today)

How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb?

He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

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What language does a boxer who punches jokes speak?

Punjabi-ng.

Why isn't there any knock knock jokes about the United States?

Because freedom doesn't knock. It rings.

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What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"