Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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A: Carry loaded weapons.

Sarcasm Jokes More Sarcasm Jokes

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

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What did the Ocean say to the Beach?

Nothing, it just waved... Prolly my favorite joke of all time, maybe ever.

What do you call an Asian who is always on time?

Thai Mingh Ha. Ha. Ha.

Understand Jokes More Understand Jokes

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it?

An old man yelling at the cloud

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

Why do Women use perfume and make up?

Because they're ugly and stink! )

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

Spend Jokes More Spend Jokes

What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chick pea?

I'm not spending $100 to have a garbanzo on my face.

Why doesn't anyone ever add Paul Walker on Xbox?

He spends all of his time on the dashboard.

Explain Jokes More Explain Jokes

How do you explain a man birthing a baby?

Taco bell for lunch

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ?

Your spinning me a yarn here !

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What's yours?

ME: "I write and want to dir--" "GUNSHOT*

What did the bed say to the sleepy man?

I want you inside me"