Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

How did the ghost patch his sheet?

A: With a pumpkin patch.

Bed Bath Jokes More Bed Bath Jokes

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me No

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What does an empathetic kleptomaniac do in an argument?

He puts himself in the other person's shoes and then walks away.

What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?

The extrovert looks at the other person's shoes.

Dislike Jokes More Dislike Jokes

Why did the hipster dislike physics?

Cause the system is broke, yo.

Why do mexicans dislike rust?

Because it is feo

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What do Romans say when their wives run away?

Caesar!

How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

They'll tell you

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What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

What dies a little, when explained about?

A joke.

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Why did Peter Parker get fired?

He spent all day on the web.

What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?

Vacation.