Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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How do you make a small fortune in the movie industry?

You spend a large fortune

How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?

By spending a large fortune.

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Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?

Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you She: Thanks for Thinking

Why do beaches not get sarcasm?

Because they always take things littorally

Pun Jokes More Pun Jokes

What are people afraid of puns called?

Homophonic I'm sorry...

What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages. Please tell us what languages they are in.

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What's the best way to make friends?

tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."

What did the farmer say when the townspeople told him all of his cows were in town..?

I herd.

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Why do people dislike going to the dentist?

Because he is boring.

Why did the hipster dislike physics?

Cause the system is broke, yo.

Help Jokes More Help Jokes

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

I D K"

Sheet Jokes More Sheet Jokes

Why did the Italian get thrown out of the hotel?

He said "I wanna two sheet onna the bed".

What did the Klansman say to the Muslim?

Psst...Who washes your ... sheets

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What did the chopped wood say to the tree?

Run!

Why do bears hate shoes so much?

They like to run around in their bear feet.