Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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What runs faster?

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How can you tell if somebody's run a marathon?

Wait 15 seconds, they'll tell you.

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Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet ?

He wanted to see the floor show !

What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black guy?

Neighbor

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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ?

A feminist

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A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

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Why should you never play Uno with a Mexican?

Because they'll steal all the green cards.

Who's the founder of the Japanese Wikipedia?

Yojimbo Wales! (Joke stolen from co-worker)

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What do beekeepers say when they go to work?

Alright, let's get down to beeswax!"

What did the kleptomaniacal compulsive liar say when his beekeeper friend asked him what he was running away with?

None of your beeswax!"

Help Jokes More Help Jokes

What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays?

For those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice.

Why is it so hard to help deaf people?

Because they never listen.

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What's the difference between humor and odor?

Humor is a shift of wit...

Why are eggs so good at humor?

Because they have running yolks.

P.S. Jokes More P.S. Jokes

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3