Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties?

Because they always steal doubloons

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No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!

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Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?

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What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

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Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

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Hobos

What do these 2 have in common What does your mum and a politician have in common?

When they scream they make no sense

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How can you tell a black person is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the difference between Sugar and Sweet'N Low?

Sugar is on the lips. :-)

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How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?

It's not there.

How British is Adele ?

She would call you at least 1000 times to tell how sorry she is .

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Why do the English always carry umbrellas?

Because umbrellas can't walk

What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house?

This place feels earie.

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What was the other reindeer's name?

Olive.

Why don't you see many chemists with master's degrees working with acids and bases?

To really understand acids and bases, you need a pHd.