How do you tell a chemist no?

Nitrogen Monoxide

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Whats the difference between you and an orphan?

You were adopted. Best told to siblings :D

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

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What did the chemist say when hr found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe

What does a chemist say when he's pouring water into an acid?

Drop the base.