How does the balance sheet of a bank look like as of today?

On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...

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How much time do I have left, doctor?

Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what ! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...

Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?

Because she couldn't stand him.

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What are you gonna do today?

Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

What did you learn in school today?

Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!

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Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?

They don't have the right to bare arms

Why are a good majority of Americans obese?

At least the food won't take away their rights. Do a little oppression of their own.