Today Jokes

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

Abraham Lincoln.

Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...?

May the forth be with you"

Why did I wear no jeans today?

my supply was short.

Why did the giraffe cross the highway?

Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today :)

Whats the complement to a 40 degree angle?

My you're looking "acute" today.

What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen??

Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)

What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the inside of her coffin.

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

Why didn't the rock make it to work today?

He was stoned

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

Why did the train go left?

Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.

Why isn't anyone afraid of China?

Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)

What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...

How many sad soccer fans are there today?

A Brazillion...

What do Will and Jaden Smith like about today?

It's After Earth Day.

What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.

What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?

The posters.

What's the difference between organized crime and the government?

Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.

What do WNBA players make?

Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

What was the humor like back then?

I was just wondering about how many jokes today maybe irrelevant 100 years into the future. To test this theory, what are the oldest recorded jokes?

Why is today John Philip Sousa Day?

Because he told everyone to march fourth.

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who wants to know? .... saw this joke in today's

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

What is today's best punch line?

Paul christoforo

Whats the V in DVD stand for?

Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today .. be kind)

What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?

Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

What's up with that horse?

sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

What date is it today?

2nd April. Ha!! April fool!

What are cooking for us today?

Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw

What is science?

Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science Student: science is our Lesson for today.

Why did the sperm cross the road..?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....

What can I get you today?

Harambe: May I get a martini Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice Me: Justice for Harambe.

What do you call an uncertain insect today?

A May bee.

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

The posters

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.

What did you learn in school today?

Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!

Who forgot his phone charger today?

THIS gu

Why didn't you go to school today?

Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.

What are you doing today?

2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.

How is today Monday?

It was Friday only a few hours ago...

Why didn't the shy juggler perform at the circus today?

Because he didn't have the balls!

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

How did you prepare for today?

red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes

Where's Wally?

book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.

What do you call the family members of the Force?

Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.

Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

he was undercover *!*

How do I look today?

Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."

What do children think of the world?

I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.

How do fast food restaurants make so much money?

OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!

What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive?

Trying to get out of his grave.

Where'd ya get it?

The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)

What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?

Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"

What's wrong with them?

his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

How bad is the economy?

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"

What do you call a chicken with no neck?

A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.

How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music?

They both ain't got the same Seoul.

What came in the mail today?

Anthrax.

What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria?

Alphabet Soup.

What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

Gold digging

What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?

Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness

Why is today a trucker's favorite day?

Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!

What would George Washington do if he was alive today?

Probably get suffocated in his collapsed coffin

Why should I submit a joke today?

Because today's April full!

How woke?

Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who ?

Bean working very hard today !

How old were you on your last birthday?

Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.

What would Hellen Keller be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the lid of the coffin.

Where are you and Mom going tonight?

Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

How do you please all the people?

Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

How are you today?

Me: Tim.

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