What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

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What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

What do you say to Harry Potter when he has a mosquito bite he can't stop scratching?

Quidditching

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When do ghosts usually appear?

Just before someone screams.

What's the difference between an M&amp?

M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.

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How do you please all the people?

Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

Abraham Lincoln.

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Why did Dracula's mother give him cough syrup?

Because Dracula was coffin. Source: A Laffy Taffy wrapper.

What did one casket say to the other casket?

Hey, is that you coffin? Ba-dum-tsk...

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When George Washington was a general why did he like to have dogs around?

They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.