Scratch Jokes

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool.

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What do you say to Harry Potter when he has a mosquito bite he can't stop scratching?

Quidditching

What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

Why did the dog scratch itself against the tree?

Ruff Bark

What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

How do you build a flea circus?

You have to start from scratch.

Why does homemade bread not make your throat itch?

It's made from scratch

How do you get rid of an itch?

Start from scratch.

How do you make a flea circus?

From scratch.

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

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Why do Women rub their eyes when they wake up?

NSFW) A: They don't have balls to scratch!!

This joke may have profanity.

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

What scratches the window before it explodes?

A baby in a microwave

What does a child with stickers have in common with a cocaine addicted DJ?

They both love to scratch and sniff. (sorry if it's a repost I'm not here often)

How'd you get the scratches?

flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

Where have you been?

he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

Why is your face all scratched ?

My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy ?

You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours !"

Why can't DJs play pool?

A: They always scratch.

What is the difference between a dog and a viola?

A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

What would George Washington do if he were alive right now?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?

Scratching at the inside of her coffin. Courtesy of my dad.

How did the flea learn to use the internet?

He had to start from scratch.

How do you find where a flea has bitten you ?

Start from scratch !

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Cause they don't have balls to scratch

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Why did the man call his horse Fleabag?

Because he was often scratched!

Why are there scratches all over your face?

Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu "It's my cat's best move"

Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head?

Lice. Lice, maybe.

What do you call the loser in a hissing scratching cat fight?

A: Claude

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How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff?

Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet.

What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.

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Why did Caitlyn Jenner have a differently spelled version of Caitlin?

Because she can't get rid of the Y chromosome

How do you get rid of an obese demon?

You exercise it.

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What do white guys do that lasts hours and makes white women scream?

NASCAR

What's the difference between a moan and a scream?

About 3 inches

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What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat?

Men, get in the boat!"

What's George Washington's favorite element?

Americium-1776

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Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

Why did the director yell at Kick at the set of Punchkicker 5?

Because he said Punch's line.

Ronald Reagan Jokes More Ronald Reagan Jokes

What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

What did Ronald Reagan say in his presidential campaign?

Electron. Also, what did the Greek warrior say when he saw the wooden horse Hydrogen please spare me

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What's the easiest way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer

What is the easiest way to get a small fortune?

You start with a large one.

Flea Circus Jokes More Flea Circus Jokes

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

A: It stole the show!

How do you make a flea circus?

From scratch.