Today Jokes

What are you gonna do today?

Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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Coffee Mug

What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?

Davey.... are we pouring concrete today "

How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?

Elementary, my dear Watson.

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today."

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Coffee Mug

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!

What should I tell him?

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

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Job Jokes More Job Jokes

Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?

He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

Why are high end clocks designed and made in Switzerland?

As they don't get arrested for doing their job as they do in America!

April Jokes More April Jokes

What do you call a ghost in spring?

April ghouls

Why do Native Americans hate it when it rains in April?

Because it brings Mayflowers.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

How do you shave your balls?

After thinking for a few moments I say "Carefully"

What do you call a teacher that's always late?

Mr. Bus (think about it)

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

What does a dog from Minnesota say?

Woof da.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 20 beers!!

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

How many monastic women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None... they live an ascetic lifestyle and prefer to not use electricity.

How can you tell if someone is ticklish?

You use test tickles

Sign Jokes More Sign Jokes

Whats a sign a subreddit has strong moderation?

removed

Why are you late Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late Joseph: The sign said "School Ahead Go Slow!"

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.

How do cows do math?

A cow-culator. haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.

Boss Jokes More Boss Jokes

Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

Why was my boss surprised to see me screwing with the IT guy?

They said IT couldn't be done