Today Jokes

What are you gonna do today?

Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?

Davey.... are we pouring concrete today "

How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?

Elementary, my dear Watson.

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today."

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!

What should I tell him?

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

You might also enjoy:

Cancer Jokes More Cancer Jokes

What did the little boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?

Never 21

Sign Jokes More Sign Jokes

Why were mexicans celebrating at a stop sign?

They saw it as a sign to pare.

What two places can you find a California roll?

Sushi bars and stop signs.

Person Jokes More Person Jokes

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

Share Jokes More Share Jokes

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)

What do you call a group of people who share bathroom facilities?

A: party poopers

Boss Jokes More Boss Jokes

What did the drunk say when his boss enquired about his availability?

Yeah, I'm av**ale**able.

What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time?

Ah-so-late!

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

Why is a dog like a baseball player?

He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes?

So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it. Ta-boom!

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the galaxy

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?

A lawn moo-er.

Cost Jokes More Cost Jokes

What did Obi-wan say to Skywalker the first time he saw him as Darth Vader?

snickering) Nice suit, must have cost you an ...

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer!