Leave Jokes

When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?

What did Chad Kroeger say after leaving a concert of Justin Bieber?

I want my Nickleback....

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale

What did the executioner say to his wife when he left?

I'll beheading out now.

What's Michelle's favourite vegetable?

Barackoli (I'm sorry I'll leave now...)

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Leave it out in the sun until its Bill Withers

What costs you a fortune and leaves you in tears a year and a half later?

Not cancer, but my relationship that just ended today!

What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?

I couldn't raise them

Why couldnt you trust Castros wife?

Because at one point, she was infidel. Ok ill leave now

Why was the fish swimming alone?

Because he left the school.

Why did Beyonc sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because black people don't have rights.

What do you call it when someone leaves at the first sign of a hurricane?

A premature evacuation.

Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow?

He got snowed in.

What does a tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

How Do Priests Get High?

Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...

What is the worst thing anyone can do to a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet!

What does the customer say to the worker as he leaves the store after buying a discounted item?

Good buy.

Why did the hipster otter leave his hometown river?

It was too mainstream :)

Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?

If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

Why did Bill Gates get sick?

Because he left the Windows open.

How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?

If most people leave before shooting starts.

Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.

Why does Jerry Sienfeld clean up on tinder?

He can't go left

What does Apu say when people leave him to browse reddit?

Thank you, Karma gain

Why does Britain love tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

What's the difference between Hillary's e-mails and the UK leaving the EU?

Hillary got off Scott-free.

Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican?

Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

How much space is left in EU?

1 GB

What did UK say while leaving?

It's not EU, it's me

How do cows do math?

A cow-culator. haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?

Because everyone was a goblin

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in

What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?

If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

What's the deal with reddit being obsessed about puns?

I've never... META ... group of people so obsessed with puns before.. Fine, I'll leave :(:(

When to leave your girlfriend?

When your wife's clothes start to fit her.

What was the engineer's reaction to his wife being too heavy?

Cantilever? (can't I leave her)

What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?

Semtex.

How do you surprise Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

Why do feminists always seem so unhappy?

Because happy people usually leave cults.

How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?

He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"

Why did God give women legs?

Because he saw the mess that snails left behind!

Why did Ally refuse to do her homework, when all she had left was to square the x and y axis?

Cause Allies don't like axis powers

Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden

What do you say when you leave the UAE?

Dubai-bye!

Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?

I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)

How many times can look at the sun with a telescope?

You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!

What does a tree do when it wants to go home?

It leaves.

What does it sounds like when a Japanese Homer Simpson forgets how to count to 11?

Nin, ten, " ....I'll leave now.

How do you make a Chihauhau cross?

Leave it alone with a horny Beagle for 5 minutes.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave?

Le meow

What did the mama frog say to the baby frog when they left for a party?

You better amphi-BE-ON your best behavior."

Why didn't Hellen Keller learn to lip-read?

The braille left her lips numb.

Why did Gigi leave the party angrily?

Because she's Hadid.

How do you get a retard to leave you alone?

Give him a small $1 million loan

What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

Who is left?

Marco Rubio

How does a penguin make a decision?

Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

It ran out of juice. I shall take my leave now.

What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?

Namaste

Why is the dating app called Tinder?

When you left-swipe, all of your matches go up in flames.

Why is Darth Vader black?

Because he left his son.

Why was it so hot in the stadium after the game?

Because all the fans left

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

What did the black eyed peas say when they left the dentist?

I got a filling, woo-hoo!"

What's the difference between America and Yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for 2000 years it'll develop a culture.

Why did Adele leave the house?

So she could say Hello from the outside.

How many guns do I have left?

That's right. 10.

Why are Mens bathrooms usually to the left?

Because women are right.

What did the homeless yogi say when told to leave the yoga studio?

Nah, I must stay.

Why did the Ogre cry when he left the doctor's office?

He was diagnosed with shrecktal cancer.

Why are black people afraid of high fives?

They don't want to be left hanging

What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack

What do redditors and litterers have in common?

I'm just gonna leave this here."

What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?

Namaste.

Why did you leave me here all alone?

Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.

What is the number 1 activity to do in Syria on Trip Advisor?

Leave.

What's the difference between a waitress and your mom?

A waitress leaves me alone after I give her the tip.

What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.

What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early?

Namaste

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russel

Where do most Mustangs get into car accidents at?

Leaving Mustang meets.

You might also enjoy:

Thousand Year Jokes More Thousand Year Jokes

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.

World Jokes More World Jokes

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What is the fastest animal in the world?

The Ethiopian chicken.

Santa Jokes More Santa Jokes

What will santa bring your fish this christmas?

A scale letrix!

What is Santa's favorite music?

Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8.)

Black People Jokes More Black People Jokes

Why Do Black People Run Fast?

Because they have to run 3 kilometers and back everyday to get water.

Why do black people like Korean food?

Because it has a little Seoul in it.

Meet Jokes More Meet Jokes

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."