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Why is Kevin Hart the opposite of Michael Schumacher?

His life improved after he met the rock.

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What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

This joke may have profanity.

Why was the broom late to the meeting?

It over swept

What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg?

Nothing. They haven't met yet.

What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner!

Why did the relationship between two parallel lines never worked out?

It never worked out because they never met

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

What do you call a meeting exclusively attended by pine, juniper and fir trees?

A coniference.

When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?

Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"

What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?

He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.

What did the sperm say to the egg?

Nice to meet you. Wanna make a baby?

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What's the best part of having Alzheimer's?

You get to meet new people everyday!

Why Romeo could not meet Juliet at an Apple Store?

Poor Juliet! Did not know Apple stores don't have Windows!

What does 2 electrons say when the meet each other ?

Hey, watt's up ?

What would have happened if Alexander Fleming met Euler?

They would have discovered Penicil(e )

What's the best thing about alzheimers?

You're always meeting new people.

What happens when 2 meets 3 at Times Square?

How is a Bill Cosby better than Ronda Rousey?

He's never met a woman he hasn't knocked out.

Why did the T-Rex fail his business project?

He couldn't make hands meet.

Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

Why did you leave me here all alone?

Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.

How do blondes carpool?

They meet up a work

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

What do you call the place where lesbian Eskimos meet up?

A Klondike Bar

What do scientists say when they meet each other?

Hydrogen Iodide

Whats the best part about dating a black girl?

You rarely have to meet their dad.

Where can you meet horny girls?

Dad! For the umpteenth time there are NO horny girls in this world... Unless they're lesbians.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you say if you meet someone from Anonymous in an S&M club?

Troll in the dungeon!"

This joke may have profanity.

What's the best part about bangin' twenty six year olds?

You get to meet Jared Fogel.

Why was Joseph late to the meeting?

He was Stalin.

Where does geography and geography meet?

The Bermuda Triangle.

How do sceptics introduce themselves?

I don't believe we've met..."

What happens if Ramsay Bolton met Samwell Tarly's girlfriend?

Gilly suit

Why aren't koalas real bears?

Because they don't meet the koalifications!

What club cancels their meeting everytime?

The vegan club

What do two people with Parkinson's disease do when they meet for the first time?

They shake hands.

Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

Because you already know she'll work out.

How do tectonic plates have fun?

They meet up and crack each other up.

What did Uranium-238 say to Helium when they first met?

IDK

How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate?

He already told you so.

Where does a thumb meet its type?

At oh-my-goodness! Skip

How did Mark Zuckerberg meet Miley Cyrus?

Social net twerking

What is the good thing about Alzheimer's disease?

That you get to meet new people everyday!

What did one Jersey girl's leg say to the other?

Nothing - they've never met.

What do you do when you meet a robotic genie?

You mech a wish.

What's the difference between a freezer and a faget?

When you pull your meet out of a freezer it doesn't fart

Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

Crimea River

Why did two ferrets decide to meet?

They were trying to start a business.

What's the best thing about living with alzheimer's?

You get to meet new people everyday.

What did the armless warrior say to his opponent before battle?

You're about to meet da-feet!

Why did the business dog chase his tail?

So he could make ends meet!

What do you call it when two Vietnamese people meet?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation

What do you call it when you meet somebody in a bathroom at a conference?

Pee-er to pee-er networking (P2P).

How did the puppeteer meet the President?

He pulled some strings.

How do know if the person that you have just met is a DJ?

They will tell you.

What you you call a girl you meet on Reddit?

You don't.

How do deaf people meet online?

Simple, they just ask "ASL?"

Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?

They get to meet their old flames!

Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory?

He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, "Please hold. Your soul is very important to us."

Why did the snail cross the road ?

It is not clear yet , let it cross the road first. Update : It has been confirmed that it was to meet the Chicken who crossed the road earlier.

How was work?

flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )

What does Paddy Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey?

How're you gettin' on

When we first met?

No, before that.

What do you do meet an old friend?

What do you do when someone throws a ball What do you put on a hamburger What do you find in a litter box

What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?

Dayuum. I'd hit that."

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

You're fine how am I "

What did Justin Bieber's biggest fan say to him when they met?

nothing, hes a fan.

How did Jeffrey Dahmer make alphabet soup?

With 26 characters he met at a party.

What cows give each other when they meet?

A: A milkshake.

What do you say if you meet a toad?

Wart's new

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

On a blind date!

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?

I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Where do twin lesbians meet up?

A Clone Dyke Bar.

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

and I have few friends in real life.

What's the difference between a meeting and a funeral?

A funeral is a meeting where you're dead outside as well as in.

What do you call a girl that goes down right after you just met?

Ronda Rousey

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

Who's there ! Conga ! Conga who?

Conga go on meeting like this !

What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north?

A pair of ducks.

Where do birds meet for coffee ?

In a nest-cafe !

What is a proper greeting when you're introduced to Christina Hendricks?

Nice to meet you both.

What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

Where do you go to meet the best fish?

It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.

What does one star say to another star when they meet?

Glad to meteor!

Where my single ladies at?

drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men

How did you meet daddy?

Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...

Where did I meet these crazy people?

But then I think "What would I do without them "

How the hell would she know?

We only met last week!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You meet new people every day.

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after!

How bad is my career?

I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought "Wow this guy has it made"

Who's there ! Alceste ! Alceste who ?

Alceste to meet him later !

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?

Guden Tight

Why arent koalas actual bears?

They dont meet the koalafications.

What do you get when The Dark Knight meets Edgar Allan Poe?

x-post from r/funny) Poetic Justice(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblrme6ovqdnAp1rzkyaxo1500.png)

Who's there ! Cereal ! Cereal who ?

Cereal pleasure to meet you !

How did a blind man meet his wife?

A: On a blind date!

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