Leave Jokes

My favorite is: "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies."

What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

How'd Florida man break his leg raking leaves?

He fell off the palm tree

Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?

Because she couldn't stand him.

How does a Syrian family have a meal?

The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.

Why did the dislocated finger leave the party?

He felt really out of place.

Why is a woman like a KFC?

After your done with the thighs and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why do they name all hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building?

Left behind

Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?

At parking meteors.

What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Two test-tickles!

Why did the geologist's wife leave him?

He was getting physical (first joke hope you like it)

Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen?

It was tired of being taken for granite.

Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system?

Because he found mercury in it.

What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside?

A hot dog.

What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving?

Purolator.

What type of dog leaves a mark?

shar pei

What do they do with Tickle-Me-Elmo's before he leaves the factory?

Give him a couple of test-tickles.

What is the difference between a yogurt and america?

If you leave the yogurt for 100 years alone, it develops a culture.

What's the difference between a yoghurt and the USA?

If left for 400 years, the yoghurt will develop a culture.

How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?

By leaving a plunger in the toilet

What is the difference between the US and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.

Who fills in for the president of Russia when he's on leave?

Deputin

What did Drake say to 2Chainz as he was leaving da club?

Challah at ya boy!

Why did the carpenter's wife leave him?

He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ?

Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.

How do you stop ISIS?

Leave some milk in the sun for a few days.

What's the worse thing to do to a blind person?

Leave a plunger in the toilet

What does a woman and KFC have in common?

By the time youre finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Russia?

He was snowed in.

Why did the Carpenters wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around.

What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?

Give it two test-tickles!

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They left the plunger in the toilet.

Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?

Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. - Jackie Martling

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD

What do you feel when there's no coffee left?

Depresso

Why did Tina Fey cross the road ?

To get another Golden Globe. Tina Fey walks into the Tina Fey,the Tina Fey asks "How can i Tina Fey you ?to which Tina Fey reply,"Ah just give me a Tina Fey" and then leaves with a Golden Globe. Unbreakable is good.