How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

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Bed Jokes More Bed Jokes

Why are liars so lazy?

Because they are always lying in bed!

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?

Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

What does his wife call it?

Microsoft.

What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man?

His wife.

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

Why are you hitting that spider?

wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this

Why does Beyonce sing, "To the left, to the left!"?

Because black women have no rights.

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?

He thought they had delivery service.

Kid Jokes More Kid Jokes

Why Do Kids In High school Take Art?

You don't have to pay for the glue to sniff...

Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?

Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk?

Because they lactose.

What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?

Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Care Jokes More Care Jokes

Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)

Why does China care so much about money?

They can't resist all of the cha-'ching'.

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Wheelchair Jokes More Wheelchair Jokes

What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?

Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.

What did Dahmer do when he finished his vegetables?

A: He threw away their wheelchairs!

Clothe Jokes More Clothe Jokes

What happens when Fonzie doesn't fold his clothes after doing laundry?

His shirts get all winkly.

How do you teach a girl math?

Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and watch her multiply.

Control Jokes More Control Jokes

What do you call the secret Eskimo organization that controls the world?

The Igloominati.

Why did Snoop Dogg lose control of his Pontiac?

The drizzle

Feed Jokes More Feed Jokes

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

To feed her nightmare.

What's the difference between a large pizza and an art student?

A pizza can feed a family.

Limb Jokes More Limb Jokes

What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs?

Names.

What do you call a gangster with no limbs?

A crip

Accident Jokes More Accident Jokes

What kind of wine causes the most accidents?

Shartonnay

What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?

Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.

Bathe Jokes More Bathe Jokes

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

Why does the Pope keep his underwear on while bathing?

Because he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed. First to ever post this joke here, yay!

Bladder Jokes More Bladder Jokes

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

What is the bravest organ?

The -bladder.

Ability Jokes More Ability Jokes

What is the definition of diplomacy?

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position?

Ability to work under pressure.

247 Jokes More 247 Jokes

What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7?

An on-call-ogist

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

Bowel Jokes More Bowel Jokes

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

What was Mozart's first movement?

His bowels.

Recover Jokes More Recover Jokes

What do you call a recovering alcoholic?

A ginspiration.

How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

We'll get on it next week