Man Jokes

What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

What is strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand...

What's the difference between a man falling from 100ft and a man falling from 10ft ?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - SMACK SMACK - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Why should men not engage in esports while horny?

They get erekt.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a Microbiologist who travels the world?

A Man of many Cultures

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?

It was in A-minor

Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

What do all men at single's bars have in common?

They're married.

Why do feminist hate the bible?

Because it ends with A-men

What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door?

Just one if its lochte'd

What do you call a man who can't stand?

Neal

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Men can be Feminists, too.

How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys?

A crowbar.

What's a blind mans worst fear ?

A prius

What do you call a man who loves a woman for her brains?

A zombie.

How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

What did the man say after Michael Jackson stole his coat?

Hey that's mycoat Jackson!

What do you call a man holding a machine gun?

Sir

What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy?

OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!

What does a man call a gorilla he loves?

Haram Bae

What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?

The back of my hand.

Whats the difference between a man and a government bond?

The bond matures.

Why men shop at Costco?

Because it's a hoe sale.

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

How do you keep an amish girl happy?

Two men a night.

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What is the difference between a man falling from a 2nd floor and a man falling from an 8th floor?

That the man that falls from the 2nd floor does: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH While the man falling from the 8th floor does: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Why do men like breasts so much?

They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.

How do you know the high heel was invented by men?

Who else invents things?

What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

He parks his car, man.

What do you tell a man with two black eyes?

Nothing, he's been told twice already. (And be cool, if you get the reference keep quiet and let em wonder.)

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Dug

What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers?

Russell.

How Does a Woman Make a Man a Millionaire?

When he's a billionaire.

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

What's the difference between a man biking to a job interview and a clown on a unicycle?

Attire.

What separates man from animal?

The Atlantic Ocean.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

What did the man say after he was hit by the car?

Nothing. He was dead.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano?

Anakin Skywalker. (Happy Geek Pride Day!)

What superheroes refuse to fight in North Carolina?

The X-Men

Why couldn't the man marry the melon?

It was a cantaloupe.

What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?

I regret nutting!!!

Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?

Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

What's the difference between a woman and a man?

A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

What's in a white mans pants and more than 4 inches long?

Nothing

How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

What do you do when you see a fire man?

Put it out man!

What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?

He fell on his ash.

Why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to!

Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?

So he could save his stool.

What do you call a man wearing two rain jackets?

Max

What did the fly say to the other fly?

Your man is open!"

What happened to the man running in front of a car?

He got tired. The man running behind the car -- he got exhausted.

How many men does it take to moderate /r/MensRights ?

None. There are no there.

What is a woman ?

Man with a uterus somewhere

What super hero league is Caitlyn Jenner part of?

The X-Men

Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?

Because he thought it wood look better!

What does Wolverine and Caitlin Jenner have in common?

They're both X-Men.

What is the Revenant about?

The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot?

A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

This joke may have profanity.

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Need Jokes More Need Jokes

How many times we need to tell you that she died?

Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.

What else do you need when you use your Batman shampoo?

Conditioner Gordon.

Price Jokes More Price Jokes

How do you double the price of a Fiat?

Fill the tank

What do you get when you take an HIV medication and raise the price 5,000%?

Rich AND famous, apparently

Satisfy Jokes More Satisfy Jokes

What's 9 and a half inches long and satisfies all c*nts?

An iPad.

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

Live Jokes More Live Jokes

Whoa what do you do for a living?

I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!" *roundhouse kicks barista*

What's the difference between a Transformer robot and a Transgender person?

One is living in a spaceship and one is living a lie.

Sale Jokes More Sale Jokes

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we've been through this, our cashiers aren't for sale.

What did one stegosaurus say to the other stegosaurus?

There's a sale on at the fern store!"

Blue House Jokes More Blue House Jokes

Who lives there?

The yellow man lives in the yellow house. The purple man lives in the purple house. The red man in the red house. And the blue man in the blue house. So who lives in the White House? The black man. It's better in person, I'm so sorry.

Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!

Yellow House Jokes More Yellow House Jokes