Man Jokes

How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess?

How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men

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How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?

It's not there.

What's the best way to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?

Just be *honest* with it man...

What are the three types of men?

A: The handsome the caring and the majority.

How can a man go 7 days without sleeping?

Sleep at night

What's the difference between a government bond and a man?

The bond matures.*

What was the man running around ?

from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.

What do you call a man who cleans your house?

Dustin.

What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Who's the man who, with just the slightest touch- gives you chills and makes you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?

Space

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Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat?

Men, get in the boat!"

What do men dream of?

Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What's gotten into you man?

Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.

What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

How can you tell if a man is happy?

A. Who cares

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.

Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?

Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

Why are men afraid of the world?

They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

Why did the man lost in the woods catch fire?

He was heading west.

Who is your favorite X-Man?

Mine is Bruce Jenner

What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?

A man holding an aardvark.

What do you give to a man that had everything?

Antibiotics

What's a hippies favourite food?

Peas, man.

Why did a man throw his breakfast out the window?

He was a cereal defenestrator.

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

What does a man with no honey do?

He cantaloupe.

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

A: They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why did God make man before woman?

You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

What letter should you avoid?

The letter A because it makes men mean.

Why couldn't Robin play cricket?

Because he lost his bat, man.

How can you tell God is a man?

If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate

What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?

A branch manager.

What did the man get when he shop lifted a calander?

12 months

What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?

Hiking

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

What is it called when a man molests with each release?

Per version.

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

It made him wed his plants!

What does a man and a linoleum floor have in common?

If you lay 'em right, you can walk on them for 20 years.

What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend?

He lost it.

Why did the man put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

What's up, punk?

Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."

Why did the man put cheese on his computer?

A: He wanted to feed the mouse.

Why are men better cooks than women?

Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.

What do Irish feminists call men?

O'Pressors

Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras?

If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.

What do you call A man doing Laundry?

Non-existent

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous?

It fro's up.

What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ?

Lou !

What did one fly say to the other?

your man is down'

What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?

He's resisting a rest!"

What happened when a man fell in love with a grand piano?

He said "Darling you've got lovely teeth."

What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

Gold digging

What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar?

A man with unfinnished buisness.

What is an Actor?

A man who tries to be everything but himself

What do men and tile floors have in common?

if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

Why was the man arrested at the farmers' market?

He was caught taking a leek.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

3.99 a minute.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp?

I don't know man. I just fly the drones.

What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray!

Why did the snowman leave his wife?

Because she got plowed by another man.

Why does the man go to the beach when he's hungry?

Because of the sand which is there.

What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?

A chauffeur.

Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg?

Because he always uses a razor.

What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

Irish handcuffs.

Why do men struggle to urinate with an erection?

It's just too hard.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows it's never happened.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moon mission?

A: He Apollo-gized.

Why do men like football?

Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.

What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?

He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.

What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission?

He Apollo-gized.

Why women mature faster than men?

Because men start growing breasts only after 40 years old.

How does a woman apologize to a man?

I'm sorry, but it's your fault.

What do Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have in common?

Manning was just a bit too much for them.

Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?

Because he was resisting a rest.

What separates the men from the boys in the Catholic Church?

A condom.

How was your first day at school?

Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer?

He was too far out man

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in water?

Bob

How many Amish guys does it take it satisfy an Amish whore?

Two men-a-night!

This joke may have profanity.

What is the best letter who represent a man?

A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.

What man?

The man with the power." - "What power " - "The power of Hoodoo." - "Who do " - "You do." - "Do what " - "Remind me of a man."

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

Because he didn't feel well.

Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?

He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*

Why did the man cross the street when he saw the chicken foot?

Because he suspected fowl play was afoot!

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?

A widower.

However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?

He wasn't single.

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?

A: It depends on the age.

Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery?

He thought it had a lot of potential.

Why do men act like idiots?

Who says they're acting

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Poor Man Jokes More Poor Man Jokes

What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

How does a poor mans cube look like?

A: It's a sphere.

White House Jokes More White House Jokes

What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom?

The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.

How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Person Jokes More Person Jokes

What do you call a person that worships NASCAR?

A racist!

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

Shirt Jokes More Shirt Jokes

What does it say on the door of the Microsoft store?

No shirt, no shoes, no Surface.

Why is your shirt on wrong?

Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"

Fb Jokes More Fb Jokes

Why is ur wife shouting at you?

Friend: she told me to upload her photo in FB, I uploaded in OLX... Mistakes do happen

What shoes are hard to wear?

Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart?

7 tees, 30 eggs

Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea?

Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.

Live Jokes More Live Jokes

Whoa what do you do for a living?

I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!" *roundhouse kicks barista*

Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

World Jokes More World Jokes

Why was the restaurant called "Out of this World"?

Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.

What happens to the losers of the tv show The Biggest Loser?

They're made to feel like the smallest person in the world.