What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

A high-jacker.

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What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just...sobbing...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels

What meds are you on?

I want some.

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Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?

Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

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What do you call a guy that's lost his car?

Carlos

What does a guy from Philly dunk his pretzel in?

a girl from Jersey.