What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

A high-jacker.

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Why does Steven Hawking hate the band Muse?

Because he can't stand their song Uprising, it wants him to rise up and take the power back.

How do you understand women?

I really just want to know.

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Why are ISIS fighters afraid to join the TEA Party?

They're afraid they'll be audited by the IRS.

Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?

Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

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What is the definition of 'making love'?

Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

What did the guy in China say to the Chinese couple who finally got approved to adopt?

Con-grab-ur-asians!!