What is a water bottle's favorite game to play?

Follow the litre.

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Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

He's always nailed to the boards....

Why do they say "character actress"?

Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture

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What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?

Chevy Chase.

Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?

Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

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Why is the United States always in political disarray?

It's a nation without a litre.

What did the metric alien say ?

Take me to your litre !