What's 9 and a half inches long and satisfies all c*nts?

An iPad.

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What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend?

Snickers satisfies.

What tends to satisfy thirst the most?

Waterboarding.

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Why was the iPad sad?

Someone took a bite out of its Apple.

What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas Tree?

A PiNEAPPLE! Get it? -D

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Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt?

Because he lives in Liverpool.

What's 9 and a half inches long and satisfies all c*nts?

An iPad.