Loafers!
Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.
Joke: Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Punch: Because they are already "in the skies". Thank you, I'll see myself out.
With an astroknot.
Nobody can point at your shoes and say "What are thoooooooooose?!"
Brad news I'm afraid !
With a shoe horn.